Why it's so hard to make real friends among horse people
Why it's so hard to make real friends among horse people! By Don Jessop
Don't get me wrong! I'm made dozens of fantastic friends throughout my career, serving the horse industry. Many are lifetime friends. But it wasn't easy finding them! Why?
Two reasons:
One. Many horse people get into horses for themselves. Not for the social experience. My wife, for instance rides for her and her alone. That doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy company. She does. But she rides for reasons that go beyond the social aspect. She rides for the feeling you can't get anywhere else in the world. Have you ever galloped a horse across a meadow? Have you ever experienced flying lead changes at the command of a small body cue? Have you ever seen your horse come running to you from a distance, at a speed that tells you, he knows you care, and can't wait to see you? If you have, then you know why so many people crave horses beyond reasoning.
Like my wife Rachel, many people ride each day, as if on a quest toward some form of enlightenment. Not unlike martial arts students who are constantly seeking mastery. Or a meditation practice that seeks the state of zen. There is peace and fulfillment that comes from striving to be better, each time you ride.
Because so many horse people are like my wife, they seek out horse interactions for their own purposes. Many of these people are hard to meet inside the horse world. You might meet them on a plane, or in a restaurant and become instant friends, but you won't find them on a horse. Why? Because, when their on their horse, it's no time for friendship. Their goals require focus, and ambition. They don't prefer riding with other people as much as they like riding for themselves. The friendship you develop with these type of people will extend beyond riding, because they prefer uninterrupted riding experiences. - By the way... when I say "riding" I also mean interactions on the ground. I don't mean to say that you have to be a rider.
The other reason it's hard to find real friends in the horse industry is a bit more complex. It has to do with a part of the human brain that hasn't yet evolved very far. With a bit of tongue and cheek, I call this part of the brain, the "ignorant jerk" part of the brain.
I'm sure people in all industries, all over the world behave like ignorant jerks too. Because I'm connected so closely to the horse industry, I see it more often than anywhere else. People can often be judgmental and rude about their opinions of others in the horse industry because bias toward your own style is so prevalent. Horse people are often stuck in a world where they know everything there is to know... and everyone else is lost.
I know, because I am part of that "horse people." I have often been judgmental toward other riders, and their "ignorant" ways. I've often pointed out their flaws and built a fortress around my perfections. It's ridiculous! Because of this, I have often aliened wonderful people simply because they aren't like me. I hate this part of my brain. I'm trying to fix it. I know that ultimately I can only make a small dent in my DNA but I hope it's a big enough dent to invite other people into my life.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to socialize with abusive horse trainers, or careless riders either. I don't want to ride with someone who would leave me behind on a young colt while they gallop up the next hill. I truly do want to socialize with people who are like me. Don't you? But the trick is, nobody is like you or me. We are unique and so are they.
What I'm really saying is this. The only way to connect with horse people is to stop judging them. As a general practice, at my clinics, I always invite people to bring whatever horse gear they have to the clinic. Even though I'm a "natural horseman" so to speak, who does not like severe bits or spurs, I know that I must include others into my circle. You never know, we could become best friends, and even learn something from each other. It doesn't mean I have to conform to their ways of riding. It simply means that their way of riding is the way they know best. If their open, they'll invite better techniques and tools into their horse experiences. If I'm open, we can become friends.
What so many people in the horse industry are looking for is "horsey friends." Sometimes, you find them, and horses become the very thing that binds you together. But you'll find, over time, that your opinions will differ. The question is, will it break your friendship, or enrich it?
You see, real friendships can start anywhere. What makes them last is an openness to differences. If horse people could get over themselves for two seconds, they could find in their heart, that there are other ways. That people with different techniques and styles are still people. There are other wonderful people out there. There is a beautiful world available to us, just by saying, "what others do, is OK." When you say that, you can open a door for friendship. It doesn't mean the friendship will last. It just opens doors.
To make friends, you must continue to open doors. Then every once in a while you meet someone who becomes your best friend. When you do, you'll realize, it doesn't matter if they do what you do or not. It doesn't matter if they ride western and you ride english. It doesn't matter if they use Parelli and you use Clinton Anderson. It doesn't matter if they use spurs and you use carrots. You'll both learn from each other. You'll both become more brilliant.
In summary, let my intent be clear. I want you to open up to the differences people have. Learn to be friends with different people. Be willing to go to horse shows or other events. Stop judging and start opening your heart to have some fun.
In the event you see things taking place that you don't approve of. For instance, you see horse abuse happening in front of your eyes, check to see if the abuse is out of frustration or ignorance. If it's frustration based, you might be looking at someone who is easily frustrated and may not be friendly to be around. If it's ignorance based, that means there is room for new strategies and maybe, that person would be open to your friendship. Don't be too quick to judge.
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10 Responses
Jennie Jones
When you are dealing with animals this happens. I see it in the dog world. It is much harder to be understanding when an animal is suffering and you know you know how to make it all the easier with knowledge. Yet you still have to find a way to present that knowledge in a manner that does not scare off or insult the one whom needs to learn it. I find this true for myself as a student and as a teacher. No one likes to be made foolish and no one likes to feel inadequate. Relationships are much different when animals are involved vs. just a bike or boat or oneself doing a sport. It’s twofold. What a great blog topic! Thank you for sharing this.
Bev Ferrier
Thank you so much Shawnda Felton… I enjoy reading articles etc and things you share. Most people will possibly come to know me, they will never know my love for horses or that I have ridden since I was probably seven. If they give me enough time they will learn I am passionate about horses and miss riding so much. I have seven fusions in my spine which makes me unable to ride. I also have three in my neck. I am so thankful I can do many things but I truly miss riding horses. Thanks again to the author also. Happy riding!
Juliet Cook
Yes! Love this article! I have friends that are cyclists, runners, chefs, lawyers, and those people all have a community of friends that they talk to, run with, have dinner with, etc. This does not seem to be the case for horse people – at least not in my experience. I never see my friends in other sports or careers judge each other the way I see horse people judge each other. The differences in methodology, equipment, style, etc. are just chalked up to each person training, living, working in different ways. And unless something truly dangerous or criminal is happening (and I think we can all agree that we don’t want anyone – horse or human – to get hurt in any way and if we saw that we would speak up), they tend to keep their opinions to themselves. I wish this were the case in the horse world – I really do. I’ve always maintained, that it’s not really about WHAT horse people say, it’s about HOW they say it. I think most people have their hearts in the right places – it’s just that the execution is wrong. It would be great to have communities of horse people out there lifting people up rather than putting people down. I think, in a small way, that’s what we’re doing here and I’m ALL about it! :)
hwood
Never assume; always be kind; i.e., treat others as I want to be treated.
Horse lovers with this philosophy (works with humans just as it does with horses) have become my good friends.
Kathleen
It is all about good intentions, before giving advice, ask if the person wants advice. We are all different and with all the styles of horsemanship out there, people pick the one that is best for them.
If we could curb our comments and be more accepting, there would be less friction in barns and less smack talk
Renee Dean
Thanks Don and Rachel for all these wonderful articles you’ve written for us. I always look forward to reading them.
My horse Partner will be leaving home in November and going to a local stable for the winter months. I will keep all this in mind while we are there and who knows we may meet some people who don’t do things quite like we do but if we are open we may just learn something new.
Fran griffith
Great blog.
Laina Hiller
This is a really difficult subject. I am at a barn where things happen with the horses that are not OK . Once I lost my cool when a horse literally collapsed to the ground from fear. But before and after I have held my tongue, and it’s really hard. I keep doing what I do, but no longer have hopes that it will catch on.
Hans Wiza
Well written and spot on insightful.
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anonymous
March 20, 2021
I found your blog precisely because I am desperate to meet people who love horses the same way I do. I know I am being judgmental when meeting new people who own horses and who confess to me that “they just don’t have the time” to even see all their horses each day, but “once I sell those two it will be easier”. I just cringe cringe cringe (yes I had to say it three times) when I hear their justifications for what is basically neglect. I feel they do not see their animals the same way I do, and therefore how can we become friends? I am someone who is crazy about my animals. I absolutely love them to bits, every single one. I feel a deep sense of responsibility for each animal in my care, but at the same time it is not a feeling of burden, because it gives me so much joy simply to see my animals happy and healthy. I like each of my animals to know I am there for them, rain hail or shine. I want them to feel loved and cared for. I want them to trust me, above all, so if they ever feel scared or unwell they will turn to me. I feel this is what loving an animal is all about. So my horses? They are not farm animals to be used for breeding or sport and then discarded when I no longer need them. MY horses are my friends, a part of my fury family. I will not go ahead and acquire so many horses that I can’t effectively care for them or see them daily. I will not breed horses for the sake of breeding, and then neglect individuals horses in terms of hoof care, for instance. I will never claim I am the best horsewoman out there, or that my methods are the only ones that work. Indeed I am very humble when it comes to training, always willing to learn and always learning. I just really struggle to connect with horse people who don’t see their horses the same way I see mine. It’s like they are a different species of human or something – the type of human who will never understand me and may even laugh at me for being so deeply attached to the horses I own. This has happened to me before and it broke what was, briefly, one of the best friendships I ever had. It really sucks, but I’d rather not start something and get burned. I am busy looking for my type of human, with whom I can freely share my feelings and love for my horses without fear of judgment.